Author Topic: Cover letter - critique please!  (Read 655 times)

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Offline furrylifeguard

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Cover letter - critique please!
« on: April 04, 2014, 11:21:18 am »
I need to write up a cover letter for my Head Lifeguard application that I mentioned in a previous thread. If anyone on here would like to read it over and critique it for me, it would be much appreciated! I've never had to write one of these before, so I don't really know what's supposed to be in one or how it's supposed to work. I'm going to have one of my supervisors who recommended me for the position look it over as well as my English teacher, but I just want to see if anyone on here has any suggestions before I talk to them. Link to the Google Document below.

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B_6Ek_PulRrcQ1JmUHRsNk5iWU0/edit (I know it's only supposed to be one page, it just ran over when I copied it from MS Word.)

Thank you guys in advance!
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Offline MessedThoughts

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Re: Cover letter - critique please!
« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2014, 05:16:02 pm »
Ill need to have permissions to view it (its not allowing me). Also, do you have a resume i can look at and compare in order to help you a bit better?
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Offline Scully

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Re: Cover letter - critique please!
« Reply #2 on: April 04, 2014, 06:36:57 pm »
Ill need to have permissions to view it (its not allowing me). Also, do you have a resume i can look at and compare in order to help you a bit better?
Same. Ive sent a request to view it or something.

Offline furrylifeguard

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Re: Cover letter - critique please!
« Reply #3 on: April 04, 2014, 07:47:14 pm »
Oh, shoot, sorry guys. I forgot to make it a public document. I have a resume posted as well, and that should already be public. Let me get links.
Resume: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nceANDe0enju1gfuwcrcTkr4EWciCXOaFvVFWtJ9HVM/edit

I'm handing this in tomorrow so if you have anything to say please get back to me soon!
"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Feel free to talk to me! I don't bite, although I probably smell like chlorine.

Offline Scully

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Re: Cover letter - critique please!
« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2014, 08:02:35 pm »
Your resume is good! I don't know what's needed for the job but you've shown that you've got plenty of work experience. Plenty of extra curricular activities which really sell you. And you've got four references! I remember something like you need a minimum of three so that's good. Seems great to me but I ain't had tons of experience with this so see what everyone else says.
I think you've got plenty but seriously think if there's anything else you've done (obviously related to the job) which makes you stand out from the rest. That's what employers are looking for.
I didn't see any and I'm sure you've already done it but run it through spell check. It don't hurt to give it one final check.
 
Either way I wish you luck for tommorrow! :lol-fox:

Note: I don't understand google documents thing but I can access your resume AND Messed's reference pictures?
« Last Edit: April 04, 2014, 08:29:46 pm by Holt8731 »

Offline MessedThoughts

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Re: Cover letter - critique please!
« Reply #5 on: April 04, 2014, 10:38:06 pm »
few things i would say about the cover letter, but these are my opinions. Overall, its pretty good.

First last paragraph feels a bit too passive for a cover letter. This is how i would word it
Quote
Thank you for considering me for this position. If you have any questions for me, do not hesitate to contact me. I will follow up via e-mail in one week. Thank you for considering me for this position so that I can continue to work at the Trumbull Aquatic Center as a valued asset.

Second, expand on the third paragraph on what specifically you tried to emulate. was it technique? leadership? communication skills? I think there is some room for expansion there.

Third, i don't like the i have/i believe parts in some of your sentences (eg "I believe I possess skills that would be beneficial to the Aquatic Center and would be fitting for a Head Lifeguard."). its not needed, just be assertive and say that you posses those skills.

Fourth, the first sentence doesn't sit well with me. I feel like its better to start it off with how you found out about the opportunity, but at the very least change the first to words to thank you.

As for you resume, i would advise you to use bullet points(NOT DASHES), and make things more spaced out (especially your first point in your work experience, it would be easier to read if it was three sub bullets)
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Offline furrylifeguard

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Re: Cover letter - critique please!
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2014, 12:51:34 pm »
Thanks you two! I submitted the paperwork to the Director a few minutes ago after making some of the suggested changes. Hopefully it all goes well!
"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Feel free to talk to me! I don't bite, although I probably smell like chlorine.

Offline Scully

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Re: Cover letter - critique please!
« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2014, 01:03:26 pm »
Thanks you two! I submitted the paperwork to the Director a few minutes ago after making some of the suggested changes. Hopefully it all goes well!
Good luck! :lol-fox: